Why Does My Child Procrastinate?
Procrastination has got to be today’s longest buzzword. Lots of parents and kids will list this as an issue when they start counseling or look for help with their academic performance. The truth is, there are several different issues that can all manifest as procrastination. Procrastination, to put it simply, is the act of delaying work to a later time. It can be understood as having time available to accomplish a project now, but deciding to wait until the last possible moment or even until it’s too late to get work done.
Motivation
The first kind of procrastinator could be simply defined as the one who usually gets the required work done despite waiting till the last possible moment to do so. These people seem to feed off of the pressure a deadline creates, using the motivation of a quickly approaching deadline to accomplish their work with focused determination. A student in this category is really good at time management, assessing exactly how long a project will take and starting on their work only when that exact amount of time is left. As these procrastinators mature, they will find healthier ways to motivate themselves to focus, so as to no longer rely on stress and the pressure of a deadline to efficiently accomplish their work.
Time Management
On the other end of the spectrum is the person who struggles with time management, assuming a task will take much less time than it actually does or getting distracted along the way until the deadline looms. This person may be motivated to get the work done, but lacks the required skills to manage their work load or stay focused. Often, people diagnosed with ADHD fall into this category, experiencing deficits in executive functioning skills. Learning about executive functioning skills and implementing some adaptive behaviors can significantly help increase time management skills.
Self Esteem and Anxiety
The third type of procrastinator is the kind I see much more often in my counseling office. These individuals are also waiting to start work until right before it is due, but they are less likely to complete the work. In school they often have unfinished or partially completed projects and assignments. Parents know that their child is intelligent and can’t understand why they aren’t trying just a little bit harder. These students may have been doing excellent work up to a point and then suddenly seem to have lost that motivation. Why have these students suddenly started putting off their work? The answer lies in their efforts to protect their own identity and self worth.
Invariably we have all made a genuine effort at something in life that has flopped. If we are lucky, the people in our lives have made it abundantly clear that this flop does not define us. And if we are really lucky, we believed them. Yet, none of us escapes all of our failures or mistakes without getting hurt. Young people especially are vulnerably to the effects of a misstep or failure, since they are deep in the process of discovering their own unique identity.
When a student has genuinely tried and then failed at something, it is easy to feel as though they are a failure. What starts as an isolated experience snowballs into a shameful and oppressive identity. To avoid these painful feelings, a student begins to try just a little bit less. The reasoning, whether conscious or not, goes like this: “If I really try my best, and I fail, that must mean I am a failure.” So they procrastinate, blaming their grades on not having enough time instead of giving something their full effort.
So what can a parent do?
It is frustrating to know that your child is incredibly smart but won’t apply themselves to their work. Many parents find themselves being a homework monitor for a child or teenager. It is easy to blame this kind of change on teenage rebellion or bad friends. But underneath the cavalier and nonchalant exterior is a child trying to figure out how to make it in a difficult world.
This doesn’t mean that parents should stop keeping track of homework or stop encouraging their children to plan ahead and maintain good study skills. But it does mean that the most important thing a parent can do is affirm their child’s worth, value, and identity apart from any sense of achievement or performance. In other words, help the student identify that school is important because of what the child can learn and because it leads to opportunities, not because it defines the value of a person.
If you find yourself, as a parent, always caught up in arguments over school and grades, you might be, inadvertently reinforcing the child’s fear that grades and achievement are what define them. So take a step back and remind yourself why school is important and who your child is, within and beyond school settings. Then invite your child into that broader perspective, with lots of affirmation about who they are.
If needed, seek the right support to help your child tap into internal motivators, build the right skills, or develop the self worth they need to succeed.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Caleb Elder, MA, LPCC
LifeSketch Partner
Therapist | Career Counselor
Teen & Emerging Adult Specialist
Caleb has spent 10 years helping teens and young adults pursue a full and flourishing life. After receiving his Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, Caleb provides therapeutic and career services in Colorado.
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