Growing Beyond Our Childhood Vows
As children, when we experience difficulties, we often believe we must be alone.
We imagine that no other person could have experienced the pain or shame that we are feeling. But time and time again, a client walks into my office and tells me a story that is just another version of my own. And, just as I once did and still do, they begin the work of showing compassion to their younger selves and working to live in a new way.
All of us have painful experiences as a part of growing up. I’m not speaking about significant traumatic events, as these have their own unique effects on our lives. I’m talking about watching your parents argue, having a friend disappear out of your life or having your science project fall apart right as you are presenting it.
Pain, loss and frustration… these are realities of life that children may not have developed the ability to deal with yet.
For me, it was the bullies in middle school and high school who took advantage of my clumsier social mishaps in order to have a bit of fun. After each experience I would pore over what had happened, what mistake I had made, and just how right those kids had been when they pointed out my obvious flaws. Then I would do what all of us have done, I would make a vow to never let it happen again. And vow after vow took shape as I turned into a funny, socially savvy high schooler who had the right things to say or do for every situation.
The problem was that my life became a performance. I showed no needs and no weaknesses, only competence, humor and just the right amount of likable condescension. When I left high school, I had no real friends, because no one knew the real me. As a young adult, my pursuit of close friends or romantic relationships struggled because I could not be authentic. Competence and humor is easy to like, but real friendship and intimacy is reciprocal, a give and take. A person must trust another with their needs and weaknesses in order to create real closeness.
Vulnerability stood in direct opposition to the vow I had made to never give anyone the power to hurt me like those bullies had. I had made the vow so many times that it was an integral part of who I was and not so easily ignored. This then, becomes the work of therapy.
So what do we do then?
As a child, my vow protected me from being hurt by hurtful people. But as an adult, I have better ways to cope with bullies and better judgement about who I can trust and who I should not. The work that we do in therapy is to gently push the boundaries we set in our vow. The therapist’s office is a safe place to begin as the therapist works to carefully to create an environment where we can contradict the vow and see what happens. When a therapist sees your vulnerability and responds with kindness and acceptance, it helps to teach your brain that while vulnerability is a risk, acceptance and love are a worthwhile reward.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Caleb Elder, MA, LPCC
LifeSketch Partner
Therapist | Career Counselor
Teen & Emerging Adult Specialist
Caleb has spent 10 years helping teens and young adults pursue a full and flourishing life. After receiving his Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, Caleb provides therapeutic and career services in Colorado.
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