My Kid is Triggering Me!

What happened? That kid that was so cute and cuddly and used to be your favorite person in the world is now your biggest trigger. Maybe it's your eight-year-old who no longer responds to the consequences and parenting procedures that have worked for years. Or maybe it's your teenager who just will not get out of bed for school and is always so grumpy in the morning. Either way, you are struggling to keep your cool, and you aren’t sure what to do about it. You know that losing your temper doesn’t help but, in the moment, you don’t seem to have a choice.

First, it’s important to note that there are few things in life as difficult as being a parent. Of course it is hard! There’s no vacation from this job, it doesn’t work to just throw up your hands and let your child skip school, and the moment you let things slip you know it will escalate out of control. The relentless pressure and seeming inescapability of this responsibility can easily start to feel like a trap — no wonder it is triggering you!

But it is more than just that parenting never seems to end. Your kids know you so well and seem to push all the right buttons. Worse, sometimes we see a reflection of the worst parts of ourselves in our kids and that brings up shame, guilt, and self-doubt. You start to feel inadequate and exhausted and fear begins to set in. “What if this never gets better? What if I can’t help my child bounce back and they start to go down some dangerous paths?”

You are not alone! Every parent has felt this way, and so many have come out the other end with their healthy, maturing children. This fact is probably only mildly reassuring, so here is another one: research shows that parents only have to get things right about 30% - 50% of the time in order to for kids to turn out ok. You don’t have to get it right every time! You are human too, and sometimes you are going to mess up. While you work to hit that 30%, here are some things that may help.

Support

Don’t be your child’s only source of support! Bring in teachers, coaches, mentors, and a therapist to make sure there are other people who can share some of the load.

Centering

Once you get dis-regulated or triggered there’s no helping your child. Often, we know when things will be tough. Times like waking up, going to bed, or doing homework are consistent, so you can prepare yourself for what might turn into a difficult situation. Find some ways to center yourself before any conversations you imagine my turn to conflict. This can be a few deep breaths, a meditation practice, or a talk with a friend or therapist. 

Time IN

Dealing with conflict is important, but it costs emotional energy which you have to build up. Try and implement some “time in” with your child where you engage relationally for an agreed-upon amount of time. As the parent, avoid criticism, correction, or discipline during “time in”. Just be present and connect.

TimeOUT

Agree with your child ahead of time on how “timeouts” work. If a conflict arises, either person can call a “timeout” and both parties give each other some space to cool down for the agreed-upon amount of time (15-30 min). Just be careful not to use the time out as a way to have the last word or it will become a weapon instead of a safe space. 

Repair

It is inevitable that you will sometimes lose your cool and make mistakes. That's ok! Just do your best to repair the relationship after the fact. Once everyone has cooled down, apologize for what went wrong and do your best to restore connection. Don’t use this as a time to fish for apologies from your child, just model restoring relationships and let them follow suit when they are ready.

None of these are easy, and there is no quick fix. Growing up is a tough process for a kid and will take them their whole life to do it, same as you. But that doesn’t mean it has to be excruciating for you or that you have to help them alone. 

Therapist | Career Counselor
Teen & Emerging Adult Specialist

Caleb has spent 10 years helping teens and young adults pursue a full and flourishing life. After receiving his Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, Caleb provides therapeutic and career services in Colorado.